MySpace Tom’s Latest Announcement - The Deciphered (No BS) Version

Yeah, I know. Picking on Tom is akin to pushing a kid with Down Syndrome and Cerebral Palsy onto a lake covered by a thin layer of ice. I guess this just makes me a big mean bully, but the dude should know better than to post garbage when a zillion people are going to read it.

Here’s his latest announcement that splashed across millions of screens yesterday:

Now, let’s rip that apart to see what he was really saying…

I know a lot of you are seeing spam comments on your page. sorry about that! The super nasty ones block your other comments. They also may not be easy to delete. Here’s how to get rid of them: from your home page, click “edit profile,” then click “safe edit mode” in the top right corner of the edit page. next, click the “comments” tab. from here you’ll be able to delete the comments individually.

This comment spam BS is anything but new to MySpace. That little CSS trick to put them at the top of the comment section and hide the “View All / Edit” link isn’t anything new either. We’ve just been getting slammed with massive loads of this junk lately.

just fyi, we are in the process of taking legal action against the losers behind this comment spam. bad news is that’s going to take awhile because courts are slow

Seriously, the legal system takes forever. We know this from experience. Like that time when the New York State attorney general’s office spanked a 7.5 million dollar fine out of our asses for a little spyware scheme we had going on. We laughed our asses off at that one! We made some major dough on that hustle, so we just chalked up that 7.5 million as a “business” expense. Don’t worry about our intentions now though. We were acquired by NewsCorp and can’t pull stunts like that anymore. Who gives a shit though? We made over a half a billion bucks when we sold out! I’m rich biotch!

good news is we won some recent cases which is going to make it easy to punish the beejesus out of them.

You stupid emo kids believe anything I toss at ‘ya. By “won some recent cases” I mean that we had a couple ambulance chaser cases against us tossed out by the courts and we slam dunked two super easy criminal cases.

Slam Dunk Number One:
Remember that Samy worm that hit this place a long time ago? It wasn’t malicious or aimed at financial gain, but it made us the laughing stock of the tech community. Honestly we should have never pressed charges against Samy. Hell, we should’ve added him to our Christmas card list for not fucking our site up. He was cool about the whole thing from the get-go and admitted to everything on his website. Our technically retarded asses would have never figured out how he pulled it off, but he was nice enough to post a technical explanation along with his confession. Being the dicks that we are, we just took all the info he provided and used that to prosecute his ass. Now, we brag about it as if it wasn’t an open and shut case. Damn we’re smooth. :-)

Slam Dunk Number Two:
A couple of teens wrote one of those goofy friend tracker scripts and tried to extort over 100k out of us. They said they’d teach us how to prevent such programs from working if we paid them some consulting fees. We set up a meeting and had the cops waiting for their dumb asses! Again, this was a case that an epileptic who just stumbled out of a laser light show couldn’t have fucked up. And again, we’ll brag as if it was some major victory.

Meanwhile back at the farm, we still haven’t nailed down the guy responsible for the bulk of our Event and Group Invite spam over the past several months. I even mentioned his hustle in one of my ever-so-vague blogs. Seeing that he’s still sending traffic to Scott Richter really pisses us off, but we’re not exactly proficient at tracking guys down. As soon as he publicly posts a confession or tries setting up an extortion meeting with us, you can bet your sweet ass we’ll nail him.

also, we’re working on a filter that will stop it from happening altogether.. that should be done in a few days.

You know how some of your messages don’t get sent? How about those bulletins that won’t post no matter how many times you try to post them? That’s our wonderful filter at work. I bet you kids can’t wait until we apply those same filtering rules to your comments! Yay!

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Most of the above is stuff everyone is already aware of. It just aggravates me when I see them acting all big and tough when they’ve yet to slam anyone. The upcoming case against Scott Richter is going to be the thing to watch.